adventure.

Grace For Me
Words and Music by Michael Gungor and Michael Rossback

This jar of clay and all its weakness;
Somehow inside dwells Your fullness.
Even though I’m not yet flawless,
You are forming me.

Your grace for me is all I need
All I need is here
Your grace for me
Is all I need
All I need is here

Everything that I desire really may not meet my needs.
Help me to seek first Your kingdom.
You’ll provide for me.

Your grace for me
Is all I need
All I need is here
Your grace for me is all I need
All I need is here

Valleys come and tears aren’t dry yet and there are things I don’t yet see.
But I’ll rejoice despite of hardship; You’ll watch over me.

Your grace for me is all I need
All I need is here
Your grace for me is all I need
All I need is here
Your grace for me is all I need
All I need is here
All I need
All I need is here in You

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been reflecting on the last year. It made me ever-thankful that God speaks to me most when I’m on some sort of adventure. Regardless of whether the adventure hurts or feels good, regardless of whether my adventure began with a mistake or a positive step, every time I experience growth in my walk with the Lord, it is because of a great adventure He has taken me on.

This past Summer I had a few of the most beautiful and wonderful adventures I’ve ever been on.

End of June-early July I got to experience Malawi with a group of complete & total strangers. Which is how this little blog came to be. & if any of you know me, you know that a large part of my heart is taken up by Africa. It is my favorite place & every time I go, my life alters. Being in Malawi, away from distraction and everything familiar to me, I healed. I went to Malawi not knowing why I was supposed to be there, as everything I thought I would be doing there got taken away from me, not in a bad way, I just didn’t wind up doing what I thought I would be doing. I went there with the intent of serving, not realizing that God’s purpose for me there was more to be still, rest in Him, & learn to surrender my life. Having to surrender my preconceived notions about what I would be doing there, & just giving in to whatever it was that needed to be done, helped me to surrender all parts of my life. I was unsure of my life, my marriage, school, what career I’m supposed to have, etc… Worse than all of my insecurities, is I could not let go of them & just let God be the one to have control. During that trip, God woke me up & snapped me out of those insecurities. I recall him waking me up again & again during the nights on that trip, telling me things, bringing me something else I needed to let go of, showing me another thing that I needed to allow Him to be the center of. It was those nights that I made a deal with God. The truth was, instead of choosing to see beauty in a lot of things, I saw bitterness. I saw anger. Because it’s much easier for me to feel bitter & feel angry at the Lord about things, than to just feel hurt. For me, getting angry felt better than tears. There was one particular night where I prayed for my marriage. After an unsuccessful several hours of taking melatonin, benadryl, & other nifty tricks to induce a nice sleep, nothing was working, & I realized that God neetded me to talk to Him. I woke up & begrudgingly asked Him what it was I supposed to be asking Him for. & I started sobbing. I laid there for a few minutes, completely confused by my crazy tears, & then I remember thinking about Michael. & I really started to miss him. Laying in a bunk bed, under a mosquito net, 10,000 miles away, I fell back in love with my husband. So much so that it scared me. We had been through so much together, & we had been working so hard to repair so many things that had been broken, that it was scary to put that trust back in. It almost felt like the first time we fell in love. I didn’t want to be hurt again, I was afraid of what would happen if we suffered again the way we had before. This is where the deal I mentioned before happened, I told God that I needed Him to promise me that we wouldn’t hurt like that again.

Flash forward to my Summer camping trip with my family. I have been going to Kennedy Meadows with my family every year since I was 3. Though the family has shrank and grown through the years, our little campground and site has always been there, so going back there always feels like going home. One day on the trip, I stayed back at the site while everyone else went hiking or fishing & decided to have a little quiet time with God. I started praying again & looking through the word, trying to hear from Him. It was then that He lead me back to one of my favorite stories, about Mary & Martha.

“As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman names Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to  what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!’

‘Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’”

Luke 10:38-42

This was God’s promise to me. That though I can worry about many things, He is what is needed. & while I choose what is better, it will not be taken away from me. Caring for my marriage is what is better.

One of our struggles in our marriage was trying to conceive. We had been trying to get pregnant on and off for almost 3 years, & were at a point where we were going to try naturally for until December, & if we weren’t successful, we were going to go to the doctor for some fertility help. During the camping trip, He lead me to a few more verses.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks; the door will be opened.”

Matthew 7:7-8

“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Matthew 6:33

A few weeks later, on August 24th, I took two pregnancy tests, which were both positive. Looking back on the timeline of events, we conceived during that trip.

Which brings me to what I know will my greatest and most beautiful adventure with God, our first baby. <3 Our little girl is due May 2nd. I’m less than 4 months away from my due date. Today I was organizing some of the baby things we have, & I was folding up all these sweet little outfits and onesies picturing what our little Caedance will look like in them, & I just couldn’t be more excited. I know I’m in for a long haul of sleepless nights & crazy schedules, but I know that when I get overwhelmed, God will be there. He is constant, & he will never leave.